GTA V terrorist attack


Information was disclosed today by the American government revealing that a terrorist organisation subsidised GTA V.
Emails containing conversations between Rockstar Games’ chiefs and the notorious terrorist group (who shall not be named in case of loss of sanity)
leave no doubt that they were collaborating on the game.
This disconcerting revelation shows the most highly anticipated game of the millennium was an elaborate plan to emasculate the American public.

Police mounted a covert operation to apprehend the Rockstar employees and they found evidence that corroborated their suspicion.
Inevitably RockStar employees will now be incarcerated and likely will receive a merciless sentence.
The evidence exposed just how intricate this scheme was, with this news reverberating around the world, although many are yet to see it yet due to being distracted by GTA V.

The evidence contained showed just how elaborate the cunning plan was, with Rockstar infusing the game with an incalculable amount of missions and activities to complete.
Never before has the world seen a game with this level of scope and immeasurable fun.
Rockstar’s plan was to provide an inexhaustible amount of excitement and stimulation that people would become subservient to the game.
Essentially the game would make them completely impuissant but simultaneously willing to do anything the game instructed.

Thankfully for the world this devious plan has been thwarted but it’s come at a price.
GTA has been outlawed indefinitely and there has been a temporary moratorium put on all gaming, and we’re unaware when it’s due to end.
This has inevitably resulted in “gamer rage” and all gamers have left their basement for the first time in their lives to protest the embargo.


President Obama called for vigilance after this foiled attack:

“My fellow Americans I first want to express my profuse thanks to the British police for foiling this very possible calamitous ordeal. We’re using all our resources at our disposal and intend to facilitate any investigations MI5 pursue to ensure the people culpable are brought to justice. I implore families of victims of GTA V to immediately institutionalise them as we’re oblivious to the danger they pose to society.  I surreptitiously played GTA V myself but I only flew airplanes and played golf so I’m immune to the deleterious effects of the game. Make no mistake about it: Our nation was once again threatened by terrorism but we will remain resilient and persistent in our aversion to extremism. That is the enduring beauty of this nation, we will be united as one while we remain vigilant of future attacks. Thank you, God bless you and God bless the United States of America.”

It’s incumbent on families to submit victims to an asylum but apart from detachment, symptoms are yet to appear. Alarmingly Doctors are not cognisant of how the disease will manifest itself. The only pre-emptive measures people can take is to quarantine GTA V gamers. We urge families to do the moral thing despite the desolation it may precipitate.

This story is just developing so you can expect updates throughout the day

Update: Symptoms beginning to manifest themselves. Many victims are starting to show symptoms which will perturb many. It appears victims become despondent while also appearing to show minacious rage. We’re still not fully aware of the full pathology of the disease.

BREAKING: Astonishing news has just been divulged by the British police. It appears the terrorists we’re one step ahead of us all the time. They studiously intended that Rockstar get detained and then foresaw the prohibition on the game. Failure to complete game will result in perennial anger and dysphoria. The symptoms are incorrigible so it’s essential they complete the game.

President Obama makes another statement:

“On hearing this updated news I have no option but to give an ultimatum to American citizens to complete the game. ”While i may be immune to the noxious effects I think it’s prudent I also complete the game. This isn’t just about personal safety anymore, Americans have a moral imperative to complete GTA V. Failure to do will result in punitive measures; we will show no leniency to people who fail to complete the game. We will be providing assistance to anyone who can’t win missions, including offering secret cheats to facilitate the completion of this game. Thank you and God Bless you, and God Bless the United states of America.

That concludes our coverage of this terror attack today. Our effusive thanks to all who have helped thwart this terror attack.

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